You may have noticed that there has been some changes around these parts.
I first started blogging secretly years ago. I was going through a rough patch with depression and used my WordPress as an outlet to store positives experiences so that when I was having a bad day I had somewhere to go and view my life from the outside in the hope that it would make my brain realise things were not all that bad.
I only really started promoting it properly a year ago as friends kept asking for recommendations whilst in London or when going to places that I had travelled. I thought putting it online was an easy way to share these experiences. Taking the step into self promotion was a difficult one as for the all positives and engagement I experienced I accidentally got sucked into a world of analytics and followers, which was daunting.
I am the sort of girl that has multiple diaries with only the first few pages in January filled in, half empty sketchbooks, bits of material partially sewn together and various other projects on the go all at once. My major issue is that as soon as I start one of my many plans I am already thinking about the next thing I want to do.
I crash about my life in a whirlwind of incompletion, with a head full of ideas but no idea how to achieve them. This chaotic style can be seen on my blog – it is all over the place – always trying new out new concepts, wish lists, mood boards, even a YouTube channel I have never posted on. This is the way I have alway been, which was fine when writing for myself but the unexpected pressure of going public made me over analyse every sentence I typed and I began to write what I thought people wanted to hear. The words no longer flowed from my mind onto the page and it felt like a chore.
Looking for inspiration I trawled the internet for other blogs, I found some brilliant sites that I am now an avid follower of, but this also opened up a floodgate of comparison and frustration. I had lost the positivity that were the foundations of my blog. I felt like the walls of my self-built safe space were closing in.
Getting to the point where I wanted to pack it all in I installed my ‘fuck it’ attitude (after a few wines) and I began to write what I wanted again. Taking this ownership has been an incredible confidence booster and helped me come to the realisation that what many people search for online is something that is real and that they can connect with.
Though I am once again enjoying blogging I have felt distant from the ‘Copeyjoe’ name; this was one of the nicknames that I picked up in high school, there were three Emma’s in my year – I did not make the grade as Emma 1 or 2 and got the second name treatment.
I don’t like to dwell on the past, though personal history is important. There are some things that are so painful that they leave a mark as a reminder of what can be overcome, there are lessons that have shaped who I am today and then there are the other things that seem insignificant (like a nickname) but are a addled with secret insecurities. I have been gradually trying to identify these negative factors that I have held onto and let them go. That is why I have cremated CopeyJoe without any sadness and replaced it with Emma Inks.
Using my own name is a reminder that I am not less than anyone else and Ink because it changes with time, whether on paper or tattooed on skin, it blurs and is imperfect but always has intention.