I am not sure what this post is really about, but I feel that it is something I need to put down in words to clarify my own thoughts.
Recently I feel like I have been losing touch with my own life. I think a lot of this comes from trying to hold down so many projects at the same time but not being completely satisfied with any of the results. I am trying so hard to move forward and make the most out of my time that in fact I think I might be letting it slip away.
Already I feel like I have checked out of so many of the things that are important to me: my writing has lacked emotion, I have neglected my boyfriend & our house and I barely have time to see my friends. Even when I do take time to do the things I enjoy I am never fully present, my mind wanderers thinking about all the things I have to do. So I go home and turn on my laptop to blog, the place where I used to find my clarity, but instead I stare at that blinking cursor waiting for something to come to me.
All of this pressure is completely self imposed yet is overwhelming.
I have always had the problem of looking for the next adventure before I have fully committed to the journey that I am on – my biggest fear is wasting my life. However, recently this attitude has made me feel that, while always pushing forward may seem the only way to progress, there is little fulfilment in fleeting moments and I am missing out on all the small things that make life so fascinating. Only taking time to skim the surface no longer seems to be enough, however, I feel that if I don’t continue moving time will simply pass me by.
I don’t really know how to resolve the constant feeling of discontentment that I have within in myself. At the moment I feel utterly lost, as if I am trapped within my own life, yet I know I have created both the bars which confine me and the keys which will allow my release.
Within my hypothetical cell I am safe, yet dissatisfied – freed from my shackles there is only the unknown. One of my major concerns with freedom is that if I am barely coping now how will I handle things when there is no safety net?
I am locked in that age old battle of head over heart. My logical side can see that I have a good life, going along in a straight and steady path with plenty of pit-stops for reflection along the way. Yet my heart yearns for more, seeking a road with twist, turns breathtaking highs and sometimes devastating lows that come at breakneck speeds, all a constant challenge and education.
My head says “OK, nice idea but how are you going to do it?“, my heart has no idea…